Wit & Wisdom

  • 19. Juni 2011

    Nine Words Women Use …

    (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing, usually end in „Fine“

    (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').

    (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying…Go to Hell

    (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
    [PERIOD]

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  • 12. Juni 2011

    Free as a bird

    An eagle was sitting high up in a tree resting. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, „Can I also sit down like you and do nothing?“ The eagle answered, „Sure why not?“ So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. The moral of the story: to be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
    [PERIOD]
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  • 5. Juni 2011

    Out of the mouths of babes

    A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, „And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?“ Annie replied, „Because people are sleeping.“
    [PERIOD]

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  • 29. Mai 2011

    „Look after

    the customer and the business will take care of itself.“ (Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's)
    [PERIOD]
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  • 19. Mai 2011

    Dear Mr. Brown

    Please find below our suggestion for fixing England 's economy.
    Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
    You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
    There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
    Pay them 1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
    1) They MUST retire.
    Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed
    2) They MUST buy a new British car.
    Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed
    3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage –
    Housing Crisis fixed
    4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university –
    Crime rate fixed
    5) They MUST buy 100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week …..
    and there's your money back in duty/tax etc.
    6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.
    It can't get any easier than that!
    P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
    If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
    If not, please disregard.
    Grumpies of the World Unite
    Also………..
    Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
    This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
    They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
    They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
    Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
    A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
    They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
    They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
    Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
    Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
    Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
    There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

    The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay 600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
    Think about this (more points of contention):
    ————————————————————————
    COWS
    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
    And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
    ————————————————————————
    THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq … Why don't we just give them ours?
    It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
    ————————————————————————
    THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this –
    You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians….. It creates a hostile work environment.
    ————————————————————————
    Also;
    Think about this …. If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone — YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for some of us grumpy old folks of Britain to speak up!
    [PERIOD]

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  • 15. Mai 2011

    Mail

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
    She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder than ever! Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, „Is something wrong?“ To which she replied, „There certainly is! My computer keeps saying: YOU'VE GOT MAIL!“
    [PERIOD]

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  • 8. Mai 2011

    „Der rger

    ist als Gewitter, nicht als Dauerregen gedacht; er soll die Luft reinigen und nicht die Ernte verderben.“ (Ernst R. Hanschka)
    [ENDE]
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  • 1. Mai 2011

    Farbwahl

    Eine Blondine mchte fr ihren derzeitigen Lebensabschnittspartner eine deutsche Flagge kaufen. Sie geht ins Flaggengeschft und sagt: „Ich htte gerne eine lila Deutschlandfahne.“ Verkufer: „Die gibt es nur in Schwarz-Rot-Gold.“ Darauf die Blondine: „Oh, das wusste ich nicht. Dann nehme ich halt eine Rote.“
    [ENDE]

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  • 26. April 2011

    Pinot

    California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
    The new wine will be marketed as … PINO MORE!
    [PERIOD]

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  • 24. April 2011

    Debatte

    Zur Jahrtausendwende (999-1000), als die Juden Rom verlassen sollten, weigerten sie sich, zu gehen.
    Dann kam dem Papst eine Idee: Eine Debatte sollte darber entscheiden, ob die Juden nun bleiben drfen oder nicht und somit aus Rom auswandern mssen. Stellvertretend fr die Christen sollte natrlich der Papst sprechen, aber bei den Juden traute sich keiner so richtig, gegen ihn anzutreten.
    Doch auf einmal war der alte Moschi da. Er wrde gegen den Papst antreten, allerdings nur unter einer Bedingung: Die Debatte msse ohne Worte von statten gehen.

    Dem Papst war es egal und er war einverstanden. Und so kam es, dass sie sich einige Tage spter trafen, um die Debatte zu halten.
    Auf der einen Seite waren die Christen, auf der anderen die Juden und mitten drin der alte Moschi und der Papst.
    Der Papst begann die Debatte, indem er drei Finger hoch hielt. Daraufhin hob Moschi einen Finger.
    Dann zeigte der Papst auf die Zuschauer. Und Moschi zeigte auf den Boden.
    Jetzt holte der Papst Wein und eine Oblate aus seinem Mantel. Und Moschi erwiderte es, indem er einen Apfel hervor holte.
    Der Papst schaute ganz verdutzt und gab letztendlich auf und somit durften die
    Juden in Rom bleiben.
    Kurze Zeit spter, bei den Christen, saen die Glubigen um den Papst und wollten wissen, warum Moschi gewonnen hat.
    Der Papst fing an zu erzhlen: „Zu aller erst habe ich drei Finger gezeigt und wollte somit die Drei-Faltigkeiten symbolisieren: Im Nahmen des Vaters, des Sohnes …

    Daraufhin zeigte Moschi aber nur einen Finger und wollte somit sagen, dass es nur einen Gott gibt.
    Als ich auf alle Leute gezeigt habe, wollte ich darauf hinweisen, dass Gott in allen von uns steckt.
    Er aber zeigte auf den Boden, um uns daran zu erinnern, dass Gott auch hier ist.
    Somit holte ich den Wein und die Oblate, um auf die Vergebung Jesus zu deuten. Und daraufhin konterte er wieder und wies auf die Ursnde hin, als er den Apfel zum Vorschein gebracht hatte.

    Auf alles hatte er eine Antwort, ich bin ihm einfach nicht gewachsen!“ Alle Christen waren der selben Meinung und mussten nun mit der Niederlage leben.
    Zur selben Zeit spielte sich dasselbe bei den Juden ab. Alle saen um den alten Moschi und bestaunten ihn. Sie wollten wissen warum der Papst aufgegeben hat und somit fing Moschi an zu erzhlen: „Ja, zu aller erst hat der Papst gesagt, wir sollen sptestens in drei Tagen aus Rom verschwunden sein, aber ich antwortete daraufhin, dass nicht einer von uns geht.
    Dann hat er auf alle gezeigt und wollte sagen, dass die uns aus Rom verjagen werden, aber ich hab auf den Boden gezeigt, um zu zeigen 'Wir bleiben HIER'“
    Nun fragten alle den alten Moschi, was dann passiert sei und Moschi antwortete: „Ja also, ehrlich gesagt, wei ich es auch nicht, nur als der Papst sein Mittagessen ausgepackt hat, hab ich auch meines rausgeholt!“
    [ENDE]

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